nocturnes

had a long day yesterday. went out to meet 2 of my kids up and we had a blast together. had pizza, had a little talk about school and most of the time, it was about them, for i wish i could know my kids better. Even after i have officially left the school already. it felt nice seeing them again but i can't help wondering about the previous event, prior to me going to Sunway Pyramid for the meet-up. Pushed the thought to the back of my mind, and promised that i will only think about it once i got home.

had some takoyaki and it makes my smile lasted for the whole day. can't never believe what a trivial thing could do to me.

too bad the outing lasted longer than i had imagined because my friends decided to catch the 9pm-movie and so i was left alone on my own. and the next thing i knew, all these deep thoughts came knocking and i chose to gather them and think.

it was already past 10 pm and the whole plaza was almost empty; at least it was empty around me. i was busy reading Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro. yes, i am a nocturnal myself. as much as i hate it, i would always appreciate the lonely nights i have by myself, the sleepless hours of doing nothing but thinking and reminiscing, of having undecided options of how and why. and it came to me again, that feeling. that one indescribable feeling that makes me feel lost and clueless deep down, to the point i feel so lonely but i don't know if lonely is what i really feel. all i know is that i am clueless all the same. yes, that was how i felt all the while i was trying to focus on my reading. i flipped close the book to give it a pause for a while and headed to the nearest platform to watch those kids practicing ice-skating.

watching them practice, it was heartwarming in a weird way and when i watched the coach, whom i believe an English guy, coaching the kids with what seem an excellent spirit overflowing, that's when i learned yet another new thing in life. that it's not the look that makes you who you are, but what you are good at. just like how the guy is so good at what he does best, (i believe), if only i have one thing that i like and really good at, it would make my life even much much better than one who has all the love in the world but never knows how to shower it in one thing they like.

i want to...

…meet DongBang boys and simply have fun with them. Urghhh~ my huge fangirl side of me can’t help but to squeal every single time these boys come into the picture. I’m suffering from this illness – dongbang illness. Haha. Thanks to my friend, never thought I would be one big fan of a Kpop star. Haisy~

I decided to jot my feelings down after listening to Rainy Blue by Tohoshinki and Hideaki Tokunaga. Have been putting the song on repeat since yesterday; was listening to it throughout my free time in the staff room and am listening to it at the moment as well. The song sounds so emotional to me, perhaps it would be different if I only listen to JaeChun’s version, but this one, I know it gives off this somber feeling because all five of them were there. They harmonized and they sang together. But they didn’t even spare a glance at each other. None that I noticed. Jaejoong harmonizing with Yoochun and Changmin turning to his right (a habit he still finds hard to get rid of, maybe) but that was just that. No meaningful looks, no wordless glances. No, nothing.

It’s always hard for me to admit that I miss somebody, but I don’t think I would want to lie that I really do miss them like crazy. I have always convinced myself that being a fan does not necessarily mean that I am a Cassiopeia, does not necessarily mean I have to keep chanting Always Keep the Faith and does not necessarily mean I am one of those fanatic fangirls.

But now I am not afraid to tell the whole world that Cassiopeia never ceases to amaze me and that I would always keep my faith in our boys, for I would not trade their friendship with anything in the world. I used to blame JaeSuChun for filing the lawsuit and HoMin for not participating because it puts their brotherhood on the line; regardless what reason there was. It costs them their strong bond and it costs them their future together. But after a couple of months trying to understand the whole thing, I finally decided that if there’s someone to be blamed, it should be all of them and if there is none, then none it is. Because I believe each and every of them has their own reason for turning in such decision for I know it hurts them more than it could hurt us, their fans.

I have always been lousy with words but I do wish that somehow, in some way, I could express just how much the boys mean to me. People around me used to accuse me of being weird and unrealistic for loving the boys the way I do, but unfortunately, I just continue on doing so. And without I even noticed, they have already ingrained themselves in me.

a need to go back?

God knows just how much I missed it and it's been too long since I decided to keep myself away from it. And now that the pieces are still missing in some places I can't seem to figure, I guess I just have to go back. Go back to a place where everything seems to be just fine. I have always been ignorant, out of my own conscience, and that nothing matters now. It never mattered before and will never matter anyway. Thus, I keep everything out of me. Everything at all.

And now that it's been more than a year since I allowed myself to take a dive and simply ignore everything, the depressing truth strikes me. That I missed this world of mine. I missed being drowned in words only I would understand. I missed being the old me that never really got upset, never really felt disappointed.

How I wish I were as bold as that one person in the way I deal with things around me. Just like how that one person comes and goes as it pleases, even so never feels guilty even a bit, I wish I could do the same. So that I won't have rooms for regrets and time to go on guilt trips.

I know this entry isn't going anywhere but I know I'm ready to start writing again. For this part in Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven caught my attention and it gives me so much to ponder about:

NO STORY SITS by itself. Sometimes stories meet at corners and sometimes they cover one another completely, like stones beneath a river.

And so I guess what happened, is happening and will happen to me co-relates one another, in that I shouldn't take any bit of it for granted. Any bit at all. But it has never been easy to live up to my own words. It never was and never will be. Because me being me, I know I always end up blocking everything from entering that little beating thing in my chest and making me suffer. Though there are times when everything is a major betrayal.

dancing to the bolero of dreams

You watched her right hand fidgeting slightly as she laid still on the bed, losing herself in her deep, peaceful sleep; totally oblivious that you were there, watching her attentively. You remained well-composed and calm in your seat, reading her serene expression before you and you chose to ponder with it. You wondered what it is that she was dreaming of, when you saw her hand stiffened suddenly, palm spread wide on her side with a slight pressure on the soft, comfortable duvet. You wondered if it is a nightmare, for you witnessed the sudden movements she made once in a while, but maybe, could be, it was not that bad. Perhaps, she was dreaming of her favorite scene, of her mentally flapping her non-existent wings to a song, body swaying gracefully, totally defenseless of its surroundings. It was as if you could almost see her in one of those pictures; when she was in her black short-sleeved leotard, soft pink ballet slippers to go with the tight of the same color, her hair neatly put in a bun and the smile, yes, the smile—the determined smile she always put on—has always been the first thing you managed to catch whenever she was in that picture. At the thought of it, your lips twisted into a little smile and you squeezed your eyes shut tentatively for a more vivid picture, so that you could see and observe the slightest details you’ve missed all that while. So that you could understand ‘why’ and ‘how’ things went the way they did. And you hummed the sound you would probably hear when she dances, and the only song that you could think of is that one particular piece but you forgot its name. It was the song she kept on dancing to, the soothing sound of the bolero, yet you could hardly figure it out why it is so significant to her. Why it means so much to her was beyond you.

But you still remembered those memories you’ve shared with her, though. Those times when both of you were still little girls with little hopes and dreams, and how they became bigger and bigger just to be left unattended by you in a way that was unexpected. You left her stranded all by herself to work on her dreams and you pictured her being so engrossed in fulfilling them, with you watching from afar. And that was despite being screamed at by the evil, heartless music of those people’s disapproval. You recalled her being so serious and determined, practicing day and night, during one of those days when people kept pulling her down with their words in hopes that her dreams would shatter and she would stop trying. During those times, you tried but never understood why Mommy thought Minji was doing the useless thing, why people said she has dark future laid before her if she insisted in becoming a ballerina and why her friends thought dancing is nothing more than just ‘pointless and random movements’. Why? You searched for the answer but to no avail, and whenever this hit you, that particular event would self-replay in your head, as vivid as ever. As if it only happened yesterday, when you were there, still there to defend Minji; your other half.

It was just like any other day of summer, and you remembered feeling the familiar warmth settling on your skin, breeze whispering against you as your body swayed back and forth on the swing. And there came Mommy, standing at the front door, arms crossed and eyes infuriated, waiting for the approaching Minji who had just walked in the gate. You remembered seeing Minji’s disturbed face upon seeing Mommy’s furious glare on her and you knew well what was about to happen. Hence, you involuntarily stood up from the swing, keeping your guard on for any possibilities. “Tell me where you were just now, Minji.” Mommy’s voice came out hoarse and monotonous, before the 13-years-old Minji could even greet us with ‘I’m back’. “I… I… was at Yoon Ah’s place. We were doing homework together,” Minji stuttered, shoulder slightly shuddered but she avoided Mommy’s gaze. Then you saw Mommy dragging Minji into the house as she said, “Don’t lie to me. I know where you were just now,” and so you anxiously followed suit, totally at loss of words. The next thing, her backpack was already in Mommy’s grip and you heard her yelling at poor Minji: “First, you insisted to do things your way and now, you lied??!!! What is this, Minji? What do ballet shoes have to do with your homework?! Answer me, why would you insist in becoming a ballerina when the whole world knows that it’s useless? How dare you hurting our family’s pride for your own good and satisfaction?!!” Mommy’s rage was at its best at the moment for the ballet shoes unexpectedly and brutally caught Minji off-guard, hitting her right on the face. You remembered coming to her defense that very second but she remained unresponsive, only her expression darkened, as if Mommy was talking to random things around her but Minji. Your sisterly force made you threw your arms around that stiff body with your back to Mommy and you practically became her shield so that Mommy would not hit her twice. At that time, you really felt like screaming to Mommy, for being so tactless but you did not. Those lines of ‘No,Mommy, don’t!! Don’t hurt Minji! It wasn’t her fault!!Why can’t you just let her feet take the lead of her own life? Why would you be just like those who think being a ballerina is a shameful thing?!’ were stuck in your throat but you could feel them flowing down your cheeks in the form of tears as you pulled Minji to her room; ignoring Mommy’s words that lashed both you and her. And it was not the only time when Mommy would yell at Minji like that and it did not only tear through Minji’s defense but yours, too.

The memories evaporated when you heard a sudden movement on the bed and you saw Minji was already twisted into a fetus-like position. And her little snore was what you could hear now. You let out a heavy sigh when you realized how pitiful Minji seemed at that time and worse, you knew all along that it was always something more to it. She must be so tired, you thought, having to deal with Mommy’s scolds, to keep practicing even harder day by day, and having to endure every single challenge alone. It has always been the same thing—the lonely melody—that makes her wounds remained unhealed. That lonely, melancholy melody of wanting to fulfill her dreams, to soar high above the sky, that unconsciously lingers around her, bringing a solemn feel to it. Most of the time, it occurred to you, ‘Is it wrong, is it her fault or is it fair to even point a finger at her when all she did was being her real self?’ and for some reason, you knew your little sister has always been the same old her; the strong little Minji who is never afraid to stand for what she believes in. Even when the accusation took place, she would put that same expression that you knew full well. The serious and determined face that spoke something along the lines of ‘I would never hold back my dreams no matter what they say,’ and you would give her shoulder a little squeeze, with an encouraging smile that said, ‘Go ahead, Minji. Prove them wrong. I’m with you all along'. It was as if the telepathy that connected the both of you is what kept you behind her, supporting her without fail, though you never got the chance to do what she loves the most—ballet dancing. One thing you were so sure about back then was had your kidney did not betray you; certainly you would have been there, practicing with her for what look like a very enjoyable thing to do. And you kept wondering if it would just annoy your Mommy and people around you all the more if you really did. Yet the cruel reality left you with nothing to offer to her but sheer encouragement and faith. Faith. Faith that Mommy never had for her.

Your eyes wandered around the room and your hands itched to touch everything that were once yours and were still well-kept in the exact position where you had put them—your clothes, your schoolbooks, your musical box and everything that you could not have with you anymore. You did try to hold them in your hands once, but to your bemusement, your fingers just went through them as if those things are merely made of air. Now that you learnt the truth that neither you were solid nor real, you just laid your eyes on them without any intention to touch or hold them. You caught a glimpse of an old picture of you and Minji in a fancy-decorated, square glass-in frame on her little drawer that was taken when you were still young, for what seem like ages ago. Seeing how the two of you look like in that picture, perhaps it was during one of those childhood days, say, when you were 9. Minji is smiling wide in that picture, not even bother to hide her missing lower tooth, and you, right next to Minji, look happy and bright with a slight wink and a ‘V’ sign. For those who did not know you, you bet they could not even tell who is who for the two of you were very identical, be it in height or the hair color. Your smile reappeared with tears welling up in the brink of your eyes for you remembered now what the picture is all about. It was taken the day when Mommy and the two of you went for a picnic on one spring day. Without Mommy having the slightest idea, Minji secretly told you that she wanted to be a ballerina and that she would want you to see her perform on her very first stage one day. You remembered asking her “What if Mommy never says ‘yes’?” and little Minji just flashed you the knowing smile so you nodded, as to mark your own words. Though it sounded like a mere childhood dream of a little girl, it still hurt you too deep, though, upon realizing that you broke your promise to her and you left without anyone’s consent. But you had no doubt that Minji knows it all the same, that even though she could never see you again, your faith is always there for her to hold on to. You would always continue watching over her, like what you did every now and then, and you knew one day she will soar high, even higher than she had ever imagined. You knew, too, that one day, Mommy will see what you have been seeing all these years; the graceful Park Minji dancing to a beautiful bolero that speaks of everything in her dreams. Not just Mommy will see it, but Mommy will be proud, too, as proud as you were.

'Soar, Minji, soar. Flap your wings and fly to a place to build your dreams on. It is okay to be who you are and nobody is going to blame you. Keep the faith with you, honey, and keep searching for that one lovely place, for it is where you belong; you and your dreams.’

missing angel

she used to feel the warmth in your every word;
embracing her
shimmering its yellow beam on her
to whisper heaven's melody
that grow in her a farm of fondness
that wrap around her heartstrings.

she was happy.
she was truly blessed.

you told her how she need something to look up to
should she seek.
so there was you
her solid pure something
that pushed her through the hardest of days
watching over her like a little angel so real

you, who made her smile, used to be there.

and how suddenly it hit her, she did not know
she could not remember
was it something she said?
what is it that forced her to look through defense shield of her own words
and realize that she made you heart ache?
hurt deep enough to push you further
and erase the nonexistent wings of her little angel

she is no longer your little darling, is she?
no longer the lost child with unfolded stories and charms;
that you would love to treasure
what's left of her
is just a shallow, thoughtless soul
who irked you the worst.

she could hear your sigh
wishing that you never knew her
wishing that you could hurt her, too
but you could never hurt her, could you?
and it sent her on a guilt trip, it did.
when your smile disappeared
when the tears streamed down
when she failed to heal
and you failed to pretend.

she failed to heal.
and you failed to pretend.

pick a life from a basket of apples

from a basket of apples,
could you pick the best for you?

the one that tastes the sweetest, the crunchiest,
and is heavenly fresh?

should be a blessing, if you could.
the joy inside the peelings, you savour.

yet if you had to take it with closed eyes; blindfolded,
would you eat it
if it is rotten and ugly?
unpleasant and yucky?

plant the seeds.

so that they could grow,
so that you would have more apples to pick from.
and you would have even more, even better,
than you had wished for.

magic~

MAGIC - KARA

ahhhh,this song kills me~~~~

for some weird reasons unknown to the mankind,it keeps reminding me of you-know-who,the boys.aigooo~ forgive me for being so corny here but i guess the mood just fits the whole thing.though i have no idea what the song is all about,except for a few words that i manage to understand.but really,it's a very nice song from KARA.i've been replaying it 2375864 times, today alone, since i just found it this morning.i really love their voices in this song.Gyuri and Nicole's rap...enough said-superb.This song...ahhhh....where on earth can i find the lyrics and the translation????am itching to know what it is all about.tried searching for it on youtube but to no avail.read a few comments on the song saying that it's a beautiful sad song.ahhhh....that says it all.i have to admit that this is, by far, my most favorite song from them,not only from this album but ever since their Break It days.i wish Sunghee is still in this group,her voice would be perfect for ballads, i think.but the new and fresh KARA is just so awesome as well.^^ Gotta admit, too, that this song is the only song that can chase SNSD's Genie and After School's Diva outta my head after quite a while.lol.ahhh,maybe it's just me,but in some ways,i think this song also sounds a bit similar to 2PM's doraoljido molla.i don't know.but i love both songs^^ if you are into these type of songs - semi dance-semi ballad - you should have these songs in your playlist!^^ *continue humming*

music tag

got tagged by anthra_jj on lj and i've been thinking of tagging some of my friends here^^ promised suhi to give her some good tags, actually.hehehe~

to suhi, darling twinnie, cha^evil, and naim, am tagging you guys^^. do this only if you guys have plenty of time and feel like having a little bit of fun^^ it sure will entertain you. because you don't know what answers you're going to get here^^. try it^^ but pardon me, it's going to be more fun if you use english songs' playlist. but if you insist, any playlist will do^^ good luck!^^

+++++++++++++++++

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 21 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
BOA-My prayer [haha.i sound so pious.*winks*]

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
KARA-Break it [lol~i dont think this make sense,does it?kekeke]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
DBSK-Break up the shell [lol~~~what's with me and 'break' thingy? does that mean i want to break a guy's neck or what?lol]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
BAEK JI YOUNG- Just like being shot [hooooo~~~ it suits what im feeling today!!!dying~~~ xp]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
JONTE-Eternally [yeah,i want to be immortal.an immortal stalker,to be precise.lol~~~]

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
BOA-Eien [*scratches my chin* *my life's purpose and motto sound similar.XDDDDDD]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
SON DAMBI-Crazy [LOL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ am i CRAZY???????? *rofl*]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
DBSK-One [hohohohoho~i know im the most favorite daughter~ XDDDD *being hit by my siblings*]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
DBSK-Choosey lover [lmao.i dont even have a lover,to begin with.but yeah,choosey lover....hmmmm....*thinks hard*]

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
BIG BANG-Lies [Yeah,it's all a lie.Though i dont know why it's a lie.lol~~]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
DBSK-O holy night [lol~~~~i love my bestfriend~~~~~~~<3<3<3<3]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
DBSK-O Sei han gou [lol~~~~~~~~listen to the song and understand the lyrics.then you'll know how my life story is.XDDDDDDD]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
BOA-No 1 [yeahhhhhh,yappari!!!!!i want to be someone's no 1!!!!whoever that person is.xp.wait,am supposed to be an educationist........... xp]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
BIG BANG- Haru-haru [lol~~~~~ suddenly i imagine me and that person in a love-triangle xp]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
BOA-First snow [awwwww~~~so sweet^^ *big grin* *lost in my own world*]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
CSJH feat JAEJOONG-Just for one day [what?they want to revive me back to life JUST FOR ONE DAY????]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
XIAH JUNSU-My page [errrr....what's that supposed to mean?]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR??
CSJH feat JAEJOONG-Just for one day [wait?i have it twice in my playlist????XDDDDD]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
DBSK feat Wheesung -With me [yeah,i keep my biggest secret just to myself.ho~~]

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
DBSK-Kotoba wa iranai [errrr......]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
JAEJOONG-Footsteps [^_____________^]

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
CHANGMIN-I love you [woot!woooooooooooooooootttt!!!cheesyyyyyy~~~^^]

++++++++++++++++

see why i said english playlist's better? because korean songs will not give you the best answer.lol.just kidding~^^

the stubborn you vs the sober you

p/s: thanx to my darling twinnie for u-noe-what-u-did-to-me the last time we talked.*pouts*hihi~ i ended up coming out with this,bb,specially dedicated to myself,the stubborn mayo.but may i put the blame on u,huni?kekeke~

it is time to let go.
time to spread your wings and go further, deeper, and do better.
but you refuse to.
stubborn.
very stubborn,i should say.
but you say 'ignorance is bliss'.
yes,indeed.
yet what's the point in staying if you feel no other than nothingness?
what's the point in holding on if you fail in every attempt you do?
what's the point in believing that everything will be fine, sooner or later
if you cant see the end of your journey and you cant see the answers to all those questions?
then you smirk with sarcasm, but that is simply because
you admit it in you yet you are scared to utter it.
so, you close your eyes.
you stop thinking for a while and you breathe easy.
and you listen.
...
" the butterflies that choke you inside will disappear before you know it.the heartstrings of yours will keep you stronger than you've ever been.the pregnant sky will stop soaking you with its hurtful raindrops.the world will once again smile for you to see.if you just believe that there's a miracle somewhere along the line."
...
you laugh at this for you think it's weird and meaningless.
then why dont you just give it up?
just give it up.
for once.
why dont you?
why dont you lash out at yourself and think things through?
why keep on pulling a little prank on yourself and deny the sane you?

heartquake

slouching on the chair,
the memories come flooding into mind;
merry laughters.
indescribable emotions.
sinful secrets.
empty stares.
repentance wounds.
yearning for miracles.

...