nocturnes

had a long day yesterday. went out to meet 2 of my kids up and we had a blast together. had pizza, had a little talk about school and most of the time, it was about them, for i wish i could know my kids better. Even after i have officially left the school already. it felt nice seeing them again but i can't help wondering about the previous event, prior to me going to Sunway Pyramid for the meet-up. Pushed the thought to the back of my mind, and promised that i will only think about it once i got home.

had some takoyaki and it makes my smile lasted for the whole day. can't never believe what a trivial thing could do to me.

too bad the outing lasted longer than i had imagined because my friends decided to catch the 9pm-movie and so i was left alone on my own. and the next thing i knew, all these deep thoughts came knocking and i chose to gather them and think.

it was already past 10 pm and the whole plaza was almost empty; at least it was empty around me. i was busy reading Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro. yes, i am a nocturnal myself. as much as i hate it, i would always appreciate the lonely nights i have by myself, the sleepless hours of doing nothing but thinking and reminiscing, of having undecided options of how and why. and it came to me again, that feeling. that one indescribable feeling that makes me feel lost and clueless deep down, to the point i feel so lonely but i don't know if lonely is what i really feel. all i know is that i am clueless all the same. yes, that was how i felt all the while i was trying to focus on my reading. i flipped close the book to give it a pause for a while and headed to the nearest platform to watch those kids practicing ice-skating.

watching them practice, it was heartwarming in a weird way and when i watched the coach, whom i believe an English guy, coaching the kids with what seem an excellent spirit overflowing, that's when i learned yet another new thing in life. that it's not the look that makes you who you are, but what you are good at. just like how the guy is so good at what he does best, (i believe), if only i have one thing that i like and really good at, it would make my life even much much better than one who has all the love in the world but never knows how to shower it in one thing they like.

i want to...

…meet DongBang boys and simply have fun with them. Urghhh~ my huge fangirl side of me can’t help but to squeal every single time these boys come into the picture. I’m suffering from this illness – dongbang illness. Haha. Thanks to my friend, never thought I would be one big fan of a Kpop star. Haisy~

I decided to jot my feelings down after listening to Rainy Blue by Tohoshinki and Hideaki Tokunaga. Have been putting the song on repeat since yesterday; was listening to it throughout my free time in the staff room and am listening to it at the moment as well. The song sounds so emotional to me, perhaps it would be different if I only listen to JaeChun’s version, but this one, I know it gives off this somber feeling because all five of them were there. They harmonized and they sang together. But they didn’t even spare a glance at each other. None that I noticed. Jaejoong harmonizing with Yoochun and Changmin turning to his right (a habit he still finds hard to get rid of, maybe) but that was just that. No meaningful looks, no wordless glances. No, nothing.

It’s always hard for me to admit that I miss somebody, but I don’t think I would want to lie that I really do miss them like crazy. I have always convinced myself that being a fan does not necessarily mean that I am a Cassiopeia, does not necessarily mean I have to keep chanting Always Keep the Faith and does not necessarily mean I am one of those fanatic fangirls.

But now I am not afraid to tell the whole world that Cassiopeia never ceases to amaze me and that I would always keep my faith in our boys, for I would not trade their friendship with anything in the world. I used to blame JaeSuChun for filing the lawsuit and HoMin for not participating because it puts their brotherhood on the line; regardless what reason there was. It costs them their strong bond and it costs them their future together. But after a couple of months trying to understand the whole thing, I finally decided that if there’s someone to be blamed, it should be all of them and if there is none, then none it is. Because I believe each and every of them has their own reason for turning in such decision for I know it hurts them more than it could hurt us, their fans.

I have always been lousy with words but I do wish that somehow, in some way, I could express just how much the boys mean to me. People around me used to accuse me of being weird and unrealistic for loving the boys the way I do, but unfortunately, I just continue on doing so. And without I even noticed, they have already ingrained themselves in me.

a need to go back?

God knows just how much I missed it and it's been too long since I decided to keep myself away from it. And now that the pieces are still missing in some places I can't seem to figure, I guess I just have to go back. Go back to a place where everything seems to be just fine. I have always been ignorant, out of my own conscience, and that nothing matters now. It never mattered before and will never matter anyway. Thus, I keep everything out of me. Everything at all.

And now that it's been more than a year since I allowed myself to take a dive and simply ignore everything, the depressing truth strikes me. That I missed this world of mine. I missed being drowned in words only I would understand. I missed being the old me that never really got upset, never really felt disappointed.

How I wish I were as bold as that one person in the way I deal with things around me. Just like how that one person comes and goes as it pleases, even so never feels guilty even a bit, I wish I could do the same. So that I won't have rooms for regrets and time to go on guilt trips.

I know this entry isn't going anywhere but I know I'm ready to start writing again. For this part in Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven caught my attention and it gives me so much to ponder about:

NO STORY SITS by itself. Sometimes stories meet at corners and sometimes they cover one another completely, like stones beneath a river.

And so I guess what happened, is happening and will happen to me co-relates one another, in that I shouldn't take any bit of it for granted. Any bit at all. But it has never been easy to live up to my own words. It never was and never will be. Because me being me, I know I always end up blocking everything from entering that little beating thing in my chest and making me suffer. Though there are times when everything is a major betrayal.