I decided to jot my feelings down after listening to Rainy Blue by Tohoshinki and Hideaki Tokunaga. Have been putting the song on repeat since yesterday; was listening to it throughout my free time in the staff room and am listening to it at the moment as well. The song sounds so emotional to me, perhaps it would be different if I only listen to JaeChun’s version, but this one, I know it gives off this somber feeling because all five of them were there. They harmonized and they sang together. But they didn’t even spare a glance at each other. None that I noticed. Jaejoong harmonizing with Yoochun and Changmin turning to his right (a habit he still finds hard to get rid of, maybe) but that was just that. No meaningful looks, no wordless glances. No, nothing.
It’s always hard for me to admit that I miss somebody, but I don’t think I would want to lie that I really do miss them like crazy. I have always convinced myself that being a fan does not necessarily mean that I am a Cassiopeia, does not necessarily mean I have to keep chanting Always Keep the Faith and does not necessarily mean I am one of those fanatic fangirls.
But now I am not afraid to tell the whole world that Cassiopeia never ceases to amaze me and that I would always keep my faith in our boys, for I would not trade their friendship with anything in the world. I used to blame JaeSuChun for filing the lawsuit and HoMin for not participating because it puts their brotherhood on the line; regardless what reason there was. It costs them their strong bond and it costs them their future together. But after a couple of months trying to understand the whole thing, I finally decided that if there’s someone to be blamed, it should be all of them and if there is none, then none it is. Because I believe each and every of them has their own reason for turning in such decision for I know it hurts them more than it could hurt us, their fans.
I have always been lousy with words but I do wish that somehow, in some way, I could express just how much the boys mean to me. People around me used to accuse me of being weird and unrealistic for loving the boys the way I do, but unfortunately, I just continue on doing so. And without I even noticed, they have already ingrained themselves in me.